Rob’s Rant Receives Rave Reviews

Once upon a time, there were three bears. They were keen cyclists. Daddy Bear (Steve) was a grizzly old bugger who liked to sit at the front of a group and grind out the Ks. He rarely looked behind him as he didn’t give a f@#k (!); his riding sometimes appeared to some as “a bit too fast”. Mummy Bear (Richard) was a more gentle soul who rarely offended anyone so long as their tax returns were submitted on time. She rarely went “a bit too fast”, but was sometimes prone to go “a bit too slow” (especially in Tasmania). Baby Bear (Van) was a very small and light bear and so tended to ride quite quickly by comparison with some of his heavier mates.

One public holiday, the three bears were joined by some others for a ride round Outer Harbour. Also on the ride was Goldilocks – a bit of an imposter on a cheap imitation version of the sort of bike apparently made famous by KB. Goldilocks was someone who liked their rides to be “not too fast”, but “just right” – which was often very similar to “a bit too slow” as far as most of the other bears were concerned. Once they set off, Baby Bear set a cracking pace. Daddy Bear, who couldn’t give a f@#k (!) just let him go on with it. After a while however, Mummy Bear felt sorry for Goldilocks, put Baby Bear over her knee, and after a spanking at the Gepps Cross traffic lights, told him he had to slow down by a couple of K. With help from his mates, he did do so (well for a for a while, I suppose), but alas, Goldilocks was soon nowhere to be seen, possibly because she had been distracted by a Maddog who, like Goldilocks, was proving to be “much too slow”. Certainly, this ride was not “just right” as far as Goldilocks was concerned !


(Similarity to the story of The Three bears (in which everyone eventually lives happily ever after) now ends because its seems that in fact, everyone didn’t live happily ever after at all.)


At the end of the ride, the bears and their mates settled in for coffee – by now resembling little pigs, stuffing their faces with cake. Goldilocks, who having taken a lot of short cuts, and perhaps even a ride in a taxi, was also there and now bore a striking resemblance to a Big Bad Wolf.


“F@#cking hell !” huffed the wolf, “31.5 km/h average to Outer Harbour ! You pigs have got to be joking !” he puffed. ” In fact, I’m going to huff and puff until I’ve blown your bikes over !”. The wolf huffed and he puffed, but little pigs had obviously learned well from Daddy Bear; they couldn’t give a f@#k and their bikes remained as they had left them.


About 15 Fatboys attended the March meeting which was held, as usual, at the Usual Hotel. Arnis and Lydia  were also there en route to the movies because, once again, it was ‘romance Friday’ chez Arnis and 50 Shades of Grey was playing in 3D at the Norwood cinema. There was a lot of early discussion of the disturbing prior observation that the photofit image of the eastern suburbs stalker looked a bit like JHowever, it was soon pointed out that, whilst Jonathan does indeed apparently own an XF Falcon with absurd bonnet scoop, his one is yellow and not white. Of course, by this time, the stalker had been arrested, a fact which made Jonathan’s absence seem suspicious to some. (It has since emerged in court that the stalker was unhappy with his Photofit;  is now investigating whether it was tampered with).


The other major items of discussion for those present were numerous fishing tales of varying degrees of fatuousness – NC claiming the distinction of catching the largest King George Whiting known to biological science. Remarkably, NC achieved this feat using a couple of old shoelaces and a potato, quite oblivious to S B swimming under the boat to attach a dead and bloated gummy shark to NC’s line. Even the fact that it was pulled from the water wrapped in newspaper did not seem to give the game away or dull NC’s enthusiasm for the telling of the tale.


Eventually, Goldilocks arrived, having obviously missed the various shortcuts to the Bath Hotel. He huffed and he puffed about the Outer Harbour ride, and still the Fatties didn’t give a f@#k ! In fact, nothing seemed “just right” until the pizza and red were served at CafĂ© Bravo by a Fatboy who is left wondering if anyone else will ever offer their credit card to set up the tab ?!!!

The evening came to an end at around midnight when SG swerved his Prius Uber taxi to a halt somewhere in Magill. GM spilled out and spewed violently all over his waiting dog, who thought it all tasted “just right”

There will be more huffing and puffing and even more of not giving a f@#k next month – 1 April (very appropriate !), from 5.45pm at the Usual Hotel. Be there !




Note: Production of these minutes was made possible by the generous sponsorship of the Brothers Grimm, and also Marchands of Walkerville – Wreckers and Spray Painters of distinction.

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